Days Three thru Twelve: Learning to be Flexible

I started WW Dec 16th on an impulse. I was at my wit's end with not fitting comfortably in my clothes and I had broken down and sobbed to my wife "The only thing that ever worked was Weight Watchers! But, even on Weight Watchers, I binged!" That thought even on Weight Watchers I binged stuck in my mind. Wait, so even when I had a structured plan, I binged. Meaning Weight Watchers wasn't the "problem"-I was. Well, that's not true either-my food addiction is the problem. More specifically, the traumas and anxieties I have collected since childhood that led to me finding solace and sedation in binge eating are the problem. But here I am in adulthood, left with the aftermath.

Three days into Weight Watchers, I excitedly prepared a low point dinner using zero point shrimp (a novelty since my last go at WW). I enjoyed my shrimp (which I hadn't eaten in about a year due to phases of vegetarian and vegan eating) but woke up at 2am the following morning with welts all over my body and my throat tight. My wife suggested it was the shrimp, but I protested stating "I have eaten shrimp before! I ate a bunch of it when I was little." I took two Benadryl and went to work. By the end of the day, my welts were gone, my throat felt normal. I was left with intense muscle weakness and joint pain, but I chalked that up to the "trauma" my very sensitive body had been through. I woke up the next day with three times the welts and my lips and tongue swelling. I went to the emergency room and was treated for an allergic reaction to shellfish. I was prescribed Prednisone, which I had been on before once for Bronchitis. This seems like it was a much more intense dose. Because I began to have serious side effects from the Prednisone that made me believe the following night I was having another wave of allergic reaction and I overreacted and went to the ER again. The Prednisone caused bulging eyes which entailed blood shoot and "bloody looking" eyes that had intense pain behind them and also an intense headache to boot. It also caused facial swelling known as Moon Face and my welts reappeared every morning, more itchy and intense that ever. 

This was my first week on WW. And while there were definitely days that I went WAY over my points, I tracked every single morsel I put in my mouth in the name of accountability. I also did not stop attempting to exercise, even when my skin was crawling and I was unbearably uncomfortable. This lesson in flexibility was needed not just for WW, but for life. My OCD can compel me to be extremely rigid. My OCD tells me if I'm not rigid, I will fail and I cannot be trusted with any room for error. So, I started WW impulsively and with the idea of: "I'm just going to give this a try. I don't have anything to lose." The past week and a half have been a struggle at times, me relying on comfort foods to reduce my anxiety and even on Day 13 relapsing and binge eating due to extreme panic symptoms that were concerning me, I ate high fat and high sugar foods to sedate myself and facilitate sleep. But today is a new day. I restart my WW week, I'm down 3 lbs in 2 weeks, and I have a new focus on my wellness and body image. 

Learning to be flexible is challenging for me, but essential in my personal growth as a human on this planet and as a person with an eating disorder who wants to heal, once and for all. I am grateful for the WW connect community via WW app and knowing I have an outlet to express my concerns, triumphs, and ask questions is beyond amazing.

Mel