Day Thirteen: Expectations

Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. This is an AA-ism a colleague shared with me and I am forever grateful for. I often "start a new food plan" with the vim and vigor of an athlete in training. I also start to assume my body can do the things it could do 10-15 years ago. Starting any new habit with such high and unreasonable expectations will typically end in feelings of failure or inadequacy. I know from experience. I put a lot of pressure on myself in everything I do. I want to be "perfect" the first time around to avoid being reprimanded or "talked to." The dreaded "talking to" that I might experience at work or in a relationship makes me focus ONLY on the ways that I am not living up to my own outrageously high expectations and illuminates all my flaws. Even when something I need to work on is sandwiched between two glowingly positive things, I will tend to only focus on the negative, no matter how minute it is. And then my OCD says Hold my coffee, I got this! and in enters a whole slew of self-loathing negative talk. It's a vicious cycle that I have come to recognize, but am still working towards to reversing. Or at the very least challenging.

I have begun employing the idea of radical acceptance into my daily and it has been a game changer. According to Psychology Today, "Radical Acceptance means completely and totally accepting something from the depths of your soul, with your heart and your mind. You stop fighting reality. When you stop fighting you suffer less." I have definitely observed a change in my suffering. Prior to implementing this practice, I suffered all day everyday over things I had little to no control over. My job is high stress and fast-paced. I have a growing caseload and deadlines that need to be met monthly. I am diligent about my work, but working with other people can make it difficult to be productive. I work in a team environment, with individual goals. I find it hard, sometimes, working in a team environment like that because I am naturally an over-achiever. To avoid being "talked to", I have found that if I over-excel and over-extend, any minor misstep I make will likely be overlooked. This also means a breeding ground for resentment because if I am overextending simply so I will not be talked to and I don't see my colleagues doing the same, I feel slighted. Even though this was ALL MY DECISION. I decided to be "better than" in an effort to avoid being reprimanded. No one else. And it's not anyone else's responsibility for why I choose to do the things I do.

Today's lesson is embracing the unexpected and having goals, sure, just making sure there is room for improvement and room for chaos. Let there always be room for chaos.

Mel