***Content Warning: Mention of binge eating and self-injury***
Coping with stress, anxiety, and perfectionism has held me back from so much in my life-health and weight loss are no exceptions. Historically, if I feel I can't master something relatively quickly, I am apt to not even try. Which is such a poor attitude, admittedly. This is an attitude I would not encourage in the several children I have nannied and the dozens of Pre-K students I have taught. I would encouraged kids and adults alike to try even if it wasn't perfect, even if it didn't match their expectations, yet I have trouble taking my own advice.
Coping with disappointment, resentment, perceived failure, high expectations, high pressure, and high stress has usually looked like this:
I slap a smile on my face in the midst of the stressful event (traditionally, for me, this is work-related) and I convince myself that I'm handling things well. I have affirmations in my mind, tell myself to "let that shit go" and it appears I do. However, my anxiety and OCD are just collecting all my "failures" from the day and waiting until I am most vulnerable or comfortable to systematically channel all those insecurities back onto me. This usually happens once I am home and beginning to relax. The dread of the day starts to pour into me and if it's been a particularly rough day, it will flood me incessantly until I am finding ways to punish myself. My go-to punishment has always been binge eating-to provide that sedative/anesthetic feeling. I would often binge so hard and nonstop I would pass out as if I had binge drank. Secondary modes of punishment included cutting myself, spending money on books or music (my 2 escapes from reality), and at one time drinking in excess. But nothing, nothing compared to binge eating. That was my addiction of choice. I would rely on the secondary modes when I was "serious about losing weight" or on a diet or starting a diet.
While I have learned to no longer rely on self-injury or binge drinking or reckless spending to ease my discomfort, binge eating remains a constant. I know what the research says to suggest the receptors in our brains that like binge eating are the same ones that like heroin, it still feels like a personal failure. In the 2 weeks since beginning WW, I have binged twice. When I think about my life NOT on WW, I was close to binging daily, certainly every other day at the very least. Twice in 2 weeks in a HUGE improvement, but sometimes all I see is: I binged, therefore I am a failure.
This mindset is something I am sloooooowly working to deconstruct and replace with more positive and realistic expectations. But this is a work in progress and understanding this is a journey is a new-ish concept for me. In the past, I have focused on "when I get ____ everything will be better." The ____ could be my goal weight, a better job, a loving partner, finish school. It could really be anything and I would put my happiness on hold until that magical day materialized. Guess what? It never did. Even now, when I have everything I could ever want in my life, I am still striving to better myself. I want to improve my health, my body's size. I want to improve my relationships with everyone. I want to be a better communicator and more self-sufficient. I want a better job and better pay. Yet, right now I have everything I could ever want: a beautiful home that I own, a job that is supportive and encouraging where I have my own space, a partner who is my person through and through, THE person I had been searching for. I have a work schedule that allows me to spend more time with my partner, family, and friends. I have a gym membership and use it often. I love my body, even though I would still like to make changes-it's functioning and good to me (when I'm good to it).
Coping with stress without abusing food is hard. It is. Food addiction is a real thing and that can be hard for some of us hardcore binge eaters to hear. In addition to WW, I intermittently attend online Overeaters Anonymous meetings and I have begun to integrate the For Today affirmations and exercises daily as a supplement to WW.
Mel
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